To Those Who Ask Me, 'How are you?'

It has actually been a while since I last sat down and wrote. I know that for the past year and a half, a lot of my blog posts have started having this air of redundant apologetic guilt for not being connected to myself. It's because I actually am.

I miss feeling alive. I miss feeling like I play an important place in this world. And perhaps most importantly, I miss having my gang of lovely people who used to make me so alive about life.

I have changed in a lot of ways since my freshmen year. In dimensions that actually made me forget that to produce content and a random post, you so have to sit down and start typing whatever junky nonsense that rattled through your mind. I'll take the blame for letting myself being surrounded for too long by an incredibly heavy ounce of natural noise: college life, peers' shallowness, my own effective dismissal of conscious growth.

But I just came back from one of my idols' concerts- and mind you I only have two idols in my life. Lilly Singh and Priyanka Chopra. I guess it is because I relate to their skin colour, to their worlds of ambition, perfection and sense of goodwill and values.

But Lilly's concert today, reminded me of why I had stepped out on a mission back in 2012: being a Bringer of Light and most willingly, being constantly conscious and kind.

I do acknowledge that I had wholeheartedly decided to walk back on my steps last year. But that was only because I wanted to truly take a break and understand an alternative path that could save me from being an a magnet for troubled people because of the empathy I can exude for people and rather be more assertive, and successful in the a sort of corporate world.

But don't get me wrong, I never wanted to be completely sucked in into that extremity either. I enjoy the joys of networking, of being part of a highly materialistic crowd but I also like to disconnect massively.

I know: balance, who doesn't know that? But trust me it can be hard, especially when you are living abroad away from home and constantly are bombarded with people that you do like but not always necessarily appreciate their perpetual presence in your space and mindful internal conversations. And that could be the only reason I hate sharing my room. This, of course, is not new knowledge to my super consciousness. I never liked my cousins staying back at mine for more than 1 night since I turned 15 and I never liked staying somewhere else other than my own room for more than two days. God actually knows how I have stayed for 9 months already away from my cute little room.

Remember how people say that High School can be filled with bullies, I have had the wondrous experience of having a truly beautiful saga back in High School. However, I was not expecting college to be so full of grays.

I guess that people in my immediate environment were just that wondrous back in High School. We had similar areas of interests, our family backgrounds were almost the same, we shared common values and work ethics and very vitally we were all in love with each other.

I don't reckon gossips, faked social lives or judgmental stares- at least not since we all had matured by Grade 11.

College is just filled with random people, from all walks of life. In a sense, it is good for 'it prepares you for life.' But heck! I'm already 20, and this means that I have already lived 2 decades and since I'm headed to my 21st birthday in only 6 months, that also means that I've already started my 3rd decade in this life.

Living in a hostel and on-campus is something that I don't like- not because I miss home or whatever. I genuinely don't. If there's one thing I miss then that's seeing the blue sky everyday with scenic landscapes and my personal space. People just randomly walk into your room, your laptop screen is never yours solely. If you were watching some TV Show lying down quietly on your bed then you don't need to put a status up on Facebook and still everyone else will know about it on campus. You constantly have your roommates hovering around and it sucks to be honest. The room chakras are not aligned to yours and it can get truly frustrating.

My parents' wedding anniversary is on the 19th of August and they will be celebrating their 22 years of common life together this year. I came into existence two years after their marriage which means that we are so used and probably bored of each other now that coming back home after school and work meant that we would freshen up separately, have dinner and everyone would dispatch themselves to their individual rooms within an hour of reaching home.

Now in college, it's almost like hanging out with friends doesn't stop in class but drags up till your room as well.

I truly feel preparation and incubation period is over. There's nothing that ever prepares you for anything. You just have to pounce forth at times. This here reminds me of the time that I went snorkeling in Krabi, Thailand earlier this year in waters of over 7 meters deep.

On another note, I have changed. I have changed since October last year. And that's not something I am sad of.

In college, as compared to high school, you certainly interact with people much older than you. This, because we are apparently more grown up now.

But the truth is that adults are truly not better than teenagers when it comes to who they can and choose to be.

Most people never grow really. And it's not something I personally find pleasant. I would not, however, go to judge that or attempt to change the same.

By growing up, I'm not exactly talking about a biological metamorphosis- I'm sure that must have rung. But I'm also surprisingly neither talking about growing maturity.

There are 34-year-old school teachers who despite having students are scared still to give a speech in front of a very small audience. There are forty-year-old men who stand up their dates. There are wives and husbands in over 15-years-old of marriage still feel insecure about each other and there are full grown 26-year-old women who despite being virgins still worry about being pregnant when their period is late.

I always wanted to place myself as someone who stands up for teenagers and children, often "misunderstood", "banalised" and "ignored" because of their lack of experience and knowledge.

But today, I feel like I should change that statement. Teenagers and children are not misunderstood. They are dismissed. Simply. Because no adult has even found answers- 'yet'.

What I actually mean by growth is perhaps even bigger than what any 'adult' can conceive.