At 21 you do need EI Classes

I used to dwell on the idea that emotionally intelligent people are good listeners; no matter what kind of situation they are in, they always seem to know just what to say – and how to say it – so that people are not offended or upset.

It was easier to believe that they are caring and considerate, and even if they don't find a solution to people’s problems, people usually leave feeling more hopeful and optimistic.

As rightly cordoned by Aristotle in The Nichomachean Ethics, “Anyone can become angry —that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way —this is not easy.”

Of course, now I have a better understanding of what EI is and the vagueness that used to be anchored in my mind has been challenged and blown to smithereens during the past eight weeks I have been here.

If I were to put it in my language: Rational Intelligence is the measure of my ability to choose what I believe is right or wrong for me. Emotional intelligence is the measure of my ability to experience whatever I choose in the most beneficial way.

My Emotional Intelligence is my ability to consciously and mindfully comprehend, live and channel my own emotional states of being as well as others positively.

The fact that Emotional Intelligence is being taught as a module means that it has been scientifically presented and I enjoy how its elements, components and implications and analytically put forth.

For example, I never knew that EI was made up of 5 components: Self-awareness, Self-regulation, Motivation, Empathy, Social skills. In a lot of ways, this tremendously helps indicate, measure and give a sense of where anyone stands when it comes to their EQ.

It is also easier in this way to improve in specific areas of EI. I took an Emotional Intelligence Test in the last session we had, and while I scored very highly in Social Emotional Awareness and Relationship Management, I was advised to strengthen my Emotional Awareness and Emotional Management.

It was also greatly refreshing and interesting to have been introduced to Personality Tests in a more “legal” way- in the sense that, I have time and again taken Personality Tests online, but this idea always seemed petty.

However, EI classes seemed to instil a sense of faith in how Personality Traits are very real and deep and how the ability to read nonverbal channels, the tone of voice, gestures, facial expressions, and body language are not tantamount to overthinking but are rather cues to intuiting another’s feelings.

The Dark Side of EI was one session that kept me hooked for it made sure to clarify how even if a person is high on one of the aspects of EI, for example, Self-awareness, the very fact that they are low in one of the remaining aspects like Empathy, means that they have a low EI altogether.

I am convinced that all change is change for the better. There is no such thing as "change for the worse." Change is the process of life itself, and that process could be called by the name "evolution." And evolution moves in only one direction: forward, and toward improvement. Besides, as they say, “A life lived by choice is a life of conscious action. A life lived by chance is a life of unconscious reaction.”

EI is not something you develop at one go and then drop off. It is a lifelong symbiosis, and it is possible to keep getting better at it. Even when one would feel like they have mastered EI, the practice would remain important.

We were all asked in class about an aspect of our lives we would like to use our learnings from class as a guiding line to help our personhood grow. My answer then straddled over “attachment” and “expectations”. I am highly convinced that attachment in relationships are highly toxic and this because it breeds expectations. And expectations never contribute to happiness.

Expectations. That is one thing I truly should learn to fight off. The root cause of my trouble today is expectations, this in relationships essentially- be it with my parents, with my friends, with my relatives and my love interests. I expected things. I hoped that life would be a certain way- turned out that I was wrong in even hoping for those things. I have expected my parents to be more supportive in my career choices, I have expected my friends to give me proper advice, and most recently I have expected someone to give me a form of attention that the latter was not ready to give.

Being with people, accompanying them in life, participating in their lives, gives them a sense of: "I'm important to that person and he is keen on taking care of my well-being." Or, "I can rely on her for advice. She does care for me. She wants to be in my life." And these are what make relationships. It takes fighting to make a relationship, striving hard to invest the correct juices and make the perfect cocktail.

Relationships are about active investment, involvement, and genuine attention-giving. Passivity between lovers, parents, children, colleagues are plain unattractive. And this especially, in the glow of a new love relationship! At this point, our expectations of bonding, sharing and connecting with each other are very high.

We are all wired because of evolution to search and find another human being with whom we develop an attachment. There is almost an instinct or rather a need to have someone to depend on, a loved one who can give reliable emotional connect and comfort.

But need creates fear of rejection and attachment breeds expectations. Perhaps my expectations, ironically, are high to believe that I might be able to one day raise about expectations itself. However, with as much understanding I have derived from EI classes, I feel that the real solution to this is to be able to shift from attachment to detachment.

Because of this, I stayed awake from 1 a.m. till 7 a.m. on one of the many Fridays we have at our leisure here in Dubai and pondered on it all. I came to the realisation that there is a massive difference between “Detachment” and “Indifference”! To try distinguish between the nuances, I picked three different colours of sketch pens and made a comparison table between “Attachment”, “Indifference” and “Detachment”.

Hence, my plan of change is to move from “Attachment” to “Detachment” in the closest relationships in my life so that I can experience a fuller and grander version of them. In that process, it will require my full self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, social skills all the while being mindful and practicing self-conversation.

This transformation will take much from me, and no matter how much I might feel that I can finally raise above the expectations and be detached, the fast-paced life and perpetually on the go lifestyle that I am currently embracing makes matter a whole lot worse.

What I am happy about is that I am at least aware of the direction I want my life to take with regards to relationships. I know that it will require enormous self-regulation. However, because of being empathetic, it becomes difficult to stay unattached to people and situations and because the world is not comfortable with concepts like detachment, this whole transition might definitely exhaust my social skills and dampen my motivation as it already has.

That is perhaps where I try to put myself in a position where I see only myself, and study my capacity of working towards being who I want to be, and Myers-Briggs surely helps me do that.

Possibly, one of the most revered sayings for lovelorn souls is “If you love something, let it go if it comes back, it was meant to be.” This very nicely puts the sense of detachment we are all meant to nurture. As a close friend of mine shared on her Facebook Timeline: “Love doesn’t require efforts, relationships do.” And because I want to live my relationships free of toxicity, I want to make that effort.