From 14 to 20 : My Growth
Relationships are the most important experiences of our lives. Without it, we are nothing. Literally.
That is because, in the absence of anything else, we are not. In the absence of that which you are not, that which you are is not.
I have a relationship with myself, with my family, with my environment, with my work. Divinely, I have a relationship with each of you.
The purpose of all relationships is to create a sacred context within which you can express the fullness of who you are.
Unfortunately it took me much time to realize that. I've always been brought up as somebody who ought to tend to independence. Reaching this pinnacle of independence for me has long resided as the prime motive of my life.
This, to such an extent that no matter how much of an extrovert I appeared to be to the world, I knew deep in my heart of hearts that I was a loner. That there was no one who could really understand me, that I may be a social butterfly and that's all I can be. I cannot stay amidst the same people for a long time because it gives ample time for roots to grow from a cutting and that of course means staying in a fixed place, without much flow. And in this wave, I got swept away to the flow of individualism for quite a long time.
I remember shunning myself from society. Closing myself to people- even the closest ones. It used to be dark. I remember not being able to find myself. I remember trying to seek help. I remember that awful summer afternoon in the bus weeping. I remember feeling let down. I remember feeling deceived, ignored and seen as easily "eject-able". Things had started to collapse and back then it was the defense mechanism that triggered. I decided to shut myself to the cause of all the trouble.
And thus, I had abandoned society, ideologies, friends, family. All that I was keen to nourish was my own self. And yes, That was the instance it dawned on me how relishing being selfish could prove to be.
I was rude. I was sarcastic. I was repugnant. And for goodness sake I was unfriendly. I didn't lose much time to prove that my way was the better way and everyone is foolish to be who they were choosing to be. But at the core of it all, what was important for me was to repair things and to live only for myself. That was it. All I knew was that only I mattered, nothing else did. Nothing.
Today when I stand here thinking about all that, it all seems so meekly ridiculous. Why would I have done that. Sure, today I cannot imagine myself not talking to people. I never actually imagined myself in a closed box, the circumstances had pushed me into one -one where I was perhaps desperately begging for some oxygen! I'm a people's lover, I have always been one. And although I wish to constantly go away from the crowd and recharge my own batteries, I cannot keep myself long from people.
But I'm glad that's it all over and I don't regret having gone through that for I love the person I am today. Actually this "dark phase" as so many would call it was more of this sun-drenching experience for me. I've been through considering myself an atheist, a bisexual, a feminist, a future politician. Basically I proclaimed myself as the master of my destiny.
I still do today, but I'm grateful now as compared to those times. I accept that I should respect people. I do understand that I'm not blaming anyone anymore. Through this renunciation process, I found haven. But despite working towards re-integrating myself into society, I still nonetheless maintain a sense of individualism within collectivism.
August 23, 2013
3 months ago, I got to know that people saw me as an antisocial and arrogant person. I would not blame them. I always bore a stern look, and never looked in people's direction.
But I also knew that, it was not what I wanted to be seen as. I can be amiable, and warm. I talked to my friends, the solution was simple: smiling! It did work and a girl even came up to me saying: "I always thought that you were arrogant! But you are nothing about that!"
