Avenue of Love

Love can consume you - in fact, it always does. It rips into your skin, through your flesh, bones, muscle and blood, leaving a trail of warmth, ecstasy and giddiness, but when it hits your heart, it explodes and sends millions of fragments in every direction.

It is rare, some might even say impossible, to find all the pieces and put it neatly back together, but with enough time, patience and the right people in your life, you can find most of the pieces and superglue yourself together. That’s why, when you fall in love and out of it again, it always feels like there is a piece of you missing.

Yes, your heart falls to pieces, but what else gets destroyed when you fall in love?

Your sense of individuality - you are no longer just yourself, you are two people, or you are one with someone else.

Your grounding - you turn flighty, you can't stop smiling, laughing for no reason, refusing to let anything get you down. But then, you can't stop crying, for hours and hours, refusing to let anything cheer you up.

But most of all, the thing that completely disappears is your ego. You no longer feel shame, you don’t feel conscious, you are completely and utterly vulnerable. You give yourself up completely, and sometimes in can be the most beautiful, exhilarating thing in the world, but sometimes it can be the most heart-breaking, earth-shattering thing.

Two things can happen when you allow yourself to be this vulnerable.

Sometimes, feeling love will free you - you will never feel a greater sense of oneness, togetherness than you will with that person. You will be the happiest version of yourself, the strongest version of yourself. Your lover will embrace your vulnerability, protect your name, stand up for you in right and wrong. Your lover will take happiness in seeing you happy, feel pain in seeing you sad. In times of trouble, they will tell you they need space, they will tell you they are hurt, they will confide in you why they are angry towards you. They will work just as hard as you do to keep going strong, and they will always care. Love does not vanish in the face of anger, it amplifies - they will love you even more when they are angry, and it is true, every fight will bring you closer.

Other times, it can be the death of you. You drive yourself to do terrible things. You don’t become one with the other person, you give yourself up completely until there is nothing of you left, only your lover. Sometimes, your lover won't know how to handle the vulnerability, they won't see how powerful it is, how exposed you are. You will lose yourself completely. Your lover, consumed with rage, will hit you where it hurts the most. They will tell you to leave, knowing you couldn’t if you tried. They will cut you into bits with their words, because they know you better than anyone, and they use that against you. They will destroy every piece of self-worth and self-respect that you have, and call you out on having none. It is not that they don’t love you, it is that they don’t know how to handle loving you.

There is nothing wrong with not knowing how to love - it doesn’t come easily to anyone. However, it is important to recognize that you cannot let yourself love someone if you lose yourself in the process.

Both of these loves are possible - believe me, for I have lived them both out - perhaps at the same time.

If you are caught in the web of love, nothing I say can break through, but I'll say it anyway, with the hope that, at the very least, one person sees what I mean, and shields their heart from sorrow.

You deserve all the love in the world. It doesn’t matter if you aren't the prettiest girl on the block, it doesn’t matter if you're prone to drama, or if you refuse to show emotion at all. It doesn’t matter if you’ve slept with hundreds or never been touched at all. These are all trivial things, and it is true that every individual on this planet deserves to be loved.

You will find a person that loves everything about you - you just have to be patient.

You will find someone that takes care of you, that makes you laugh, that pampers you sometimes. Someone, you can wake up next to and feel completely at home with. Someone that always wants to know how you are, that tells you they miss you, they love you, they hope you're having a good day. Someone who wants to be with you.

You DO NOT have to stay up nights wondering if you're losing them. You do not have to let your finger hover over the "send" button, wondering if you should let them text you first. You do not have to consciously stay away because you think they want to be away from you.

One day you will find someone who won't be able to keep their hands off you, who will look at you and smile for no apparent reason, who will trust you completely, who will welcome you into their world, who will let you see the darkest sides of them - when this happens, know they are being vulnerable too, and use it to build them up.

There is nothing in this world more beautiful than two people, equally in love, equally at peace together, and in perfect harmony.

It is real, and you will find it.